The terror of marriage

Today's inspiration to write is thanks to Subramanian, a chap in my office who wishes to marry soon and was discussing his ideas on getting married. Any women interested in the chap may contact me at my mobile number. He's about twenty seven years old drawing a handsome salary in a multi-national organization at the position of a Program Manager.

The topic for discussion was a little awkward for a person like me, especially since I have no interest in the institution of marriage. I felt more like a fish gaping and wondering what he meant by terms such as "Emotional Intelligence", "Stability of Relationship" and "Integration of families". Never before in my twenty-three years have I felt so naive and especially ill-suited to discuss a topic. Yet, I wore a straight face and acted as if I knew everything about the issue of marriage. In fact, I pride myself in my acting skills - given an opportunity, I would make a handsome career in acting, since I do it almost naturally and without any retakes! There have been only those few singular occasions when my usually intrepid countenance, betrayed my emotions, which the chronicler does not deem fit to discuss on a blog, considering the embarassing nature of the incidents.

To the uninitiated, marriages in typical Brahmin families are very complex and involve issues that are very often even beyond Providence! It is rather surprising that even in the 21st century, the south-Indian Brahmin community cares about castes (the castes are basically the different levels of ego - I, Iyer and Iyengar), sub-castes, place of origin, horoscope, gotra (This is unique - while all others must match, this one must NOT match!) and so many complex, convoluted ideas that the minds of lesser mortals like me, can hardly fathom. It is but a wonder that indeed the Brahmin folks are still extant today.

I am told that I was particularly against marriage right from childhood. I donot recall events that took place when I was three or four years old, but am told about this so often that I tend to believe atleast part of it.

I have an uncle who is about fifteen years older than me and is currently happily married with two young ones as well. When I was sbout four years old, I beleive he had come to meet my parents before joining a company around Delhi. It strikes me to date that I still remember being used as a kissing duck and that I adopted a reserved attitude towards those that kissed me incessantly when not asked but hated those that would not kiss, when asked.

I digress here to note two girls in my neighborhood that took me to a movie when I was about five on my mother's request to baby-sit me. I enjoyed rides and did not complain about going to watch a movie with them although, I would neither understand nor would I enjoy an English romantic movie. In the hall, I was instructed to keep quiet and given that I was an obedient child, I complied. However, the girls took undue advantage of my docility and kept kissing me for every romantic and steamy scene, without even asking for my permission. Although I donot remember much of the rest of the events that followed consequently, I believe I would have never wanted to meet those girls ever again.

Returning back to our main discussion, recalling this uncle of mine, who started kissing me very early in our rendezvous I am told that I flashed back in Tamil "Poyah! Unnai kalyanam panni vittuduven" (Go to hell man, I'll get you married!) It is only after all these years when I have a nephew of my own, that I realize that children render us grown ups speechless very often and so was my uncle, in that situation - speechless, succeding which he thundered a boisterous bolt of mirth that shook the foundations of the earth.

As a child I had realized that marriage is more of a bane and is best avoided. Yet people get married year after year and even produce offsprings. Although I would not call myself a misogamist, the idea of a traditional arranged marriage appalls me out of my senses, and drives me to run to an asylum for the sane.

Recently however, I shocked my mother with the crazy idea that I would give her a daughter-in-law as a New Year present intending to involve in frivilous bantering. Apparently she took it seriously and enquired after the mate, to which I responded nonchalantly "A girl!". My mother's usual quest for knowledge was aborted abruptly since I allowed her to entertain the idea that if she would not allow me to date women and marry the woman of my choice, I might as well turn out to be gay. The idea that I was I intended to marry one of the opposite sex softened her attitude towards my mate.

I then proceeded to tease her and said that I would present her with a grandchild on her immediately following birthday. My mother's astute mind finally realized that the whole thing was meant only in jest.

It is a pathetic situation where parents start nagging their sons to give them a grandchild on the wedding day itself. How embarassing is that to a man and his wife! Typically, a newly wedded couple simply has no freedom to indulge in the little pleasures of marital life if the parents stay with them. Add to that the peril of arranged marriages where neither of the newly weds may feel very comfortable starting a conversation, let alone living like a married couple, sleeping together and indulging in romantic sequences.

There is no conclusion to this crazy result of mindless cacology that evolved from my mind. I understand that the readers are due an explanation to their torture, but since I have no excuse to offer, I apologize for the inconvenience I have caused them and beseech them to read the other posts, that hopefully entertain them in the right measure.